Saturday, September 26, 2009

the unforgiven II

"what i've felt , what i've known
sick n tired , i stand alone
could u there?
cos am d 1 who waits 4u
or r u UNFORGIVEN too"

well dats 1 f d songs 4m metallica dat i heard wen i started listening 2 d band.. alwaz loved d song n since d tym i started bloggin had dis in mind 2 use d title as name f ne f my post.. felt it looks fine 4 wot am thinking 2 type now so jst thot wud start it off wid few lines 4m d song only... hence d para in d start.. no pun intended der.. ppl need not mk horses up der brains run wild.. 4 d post is yet 2 begin :P :P

so nehw lemme get dwn wid d post.. now smtyms it hapns dat i write n talk irrelevnt stuff.. ppl evn hv hard tym readin or getin 2 understnd wot am tryin 2 say.. funny der r tyms wen i myself find it hard 2 understnd wot am i sayin or wot do i want in life... 4 smtym now my brain has been fcukd up..refusing 2 work at all... n evn if it has been working.. only d wierdest f not so hapnin thots hv been botherin me.. n 2 mk it all worse.. i hv been devoting tym thinkin ovr dem... d things wich hv been botherin n trblin me r d most irrelevnt f stuff.. but wen ur head is 2 go wrong .. nothin can help u out.. u get stuck in d quick sand.. n d more u try 2 get outta it d more u get stk in2 it.. u try n get urself out f a tangled web n d more u struggle 2 get out d more tangled up u r in it.. probably d same hs been my case off late... d more n more i try not 2 get my brain trbld d more worse it got n blew it away at d best of tyms 2 mk d worst of situations..

generally am not sm1 who thinks ovr certain things alot... 4me it hapns .. if its 4 my gud den alls well.. if not so gud den so b it... wud c wot nxt n gota move on, but wen d let go... n mv on phenomena keeps hapnin tym n again dats wen d funny thinking part of my brains get working.. or rathr shud i say d wierd mechanism up der starts workin.. it has been pretty rusty uptill now ,4 a long tym hasnt made use f it.. but wen it starts kickin... its like not willing 2 read dis post smwhr.. abt escapism n dunno y .. (probably i knw y) seemd as if am no gud but escaping all arnd me 2... n bein nothin but a coward by letting go n not caring much 4 all arnd me.. thot d move on n will c later attitude myt help but escapism is nvr d answer 2nething.. n extreme of nething is bein an escapist.... so got my share on tangling up in d web... n worse dat cud hapn... messd up few ,not so tangld up things n ppl arnd in d web...n dats wot makin me go mad... now dis post here is reminding me f d very 1st post dat i wrote.. d 1 wid wich i started off my bloggin career (:D ya ok... ) goin thru a similar phase den but still it ws diff .. only my fuckd up mood n irritable behaviour ws d same..

i pity my frnds n ppl who overlook such deeds of mine n still choose 2b my frnds... dey sure dint do no wrong 2 deserve my wrath(hmmm heavy word here .. got only dis at d tym , so will let it b).. 4 widout ne fault f ders i still go on 2 mk d atmosphere wierd 4 dem.... spoiling sm1s special day by bein d total jerk.. well not many can do dat.. but i can n hi did so wid d worst possble timings... cud i get bttr in bein worse ??? i dbt it... feel funny wen i say dis but things wich bothred me wud find appreciation in othrs eyes... now comeon how many of us wud get irritated at ppl 4 bein all mannerd n culturd n dignified.. or at d 1s who r greatest f souls arnd n overlook all flaws in ppl n still do gud evn 2 dos who do bad 2 dem?? now how many of us can get irritated 4m such acts n ppl wid such high standards in life?? well beat dis all such acts of mannerism n dignity got me iritated n 2 mk things worse.. i let it trbl me wd few of my frnds arnd... as worse as it gets .. i let my mood b fuckd up wid frnds who r in evry aspct of life far bttr souls dan me .. n if nethin i bttr get sm gud qualty f dem.. but no sir i rathr dcyd 2gt my brain fuckd up wid dem.....

remmbr last tym u were mad at sm1 n dat got u mad at ur own self .. 4 u knew dat it ws u who ws behavin wierd at bein trbld by d sincerity(or wot shud i write here??) of ppl arnd... yes i write wierd stuff.. dunno wot comes nxt aftr wat n der is no flow n probably no sense in certain statemnts i type.. but its still gud 4 i can b far more fuckd up dan dis.. so my brain goes off ...n l8r i realise how big a jackass i am by bein mad at ppl who hvnt done no wrong ... n den it gets me mad at myself 4 y am i bein such a jerk ..... spins ur head readin dis... well jst think wot i hv had  been thru.... ur mad ur frustated but d only person u can tk it out on is urself.. so eithr ways ur not goin 2 get away wid dis frustations n ugly air arnd.. 4 ur d 1 havin it.... ur d 1 2b blamed 4 it ... n probabaly ur d only 1 who desrves all dis crap ... wid all dis arnd ... i start 2 wonder wot hv d 1s arnd done 2desrve all dis?? guess only fault of ders wud b dat dey knw me n still hv der concern 4 wots trblin me... now wot am i suppsd 2 say.. its my own insignificant n disturbing thots ... n if any1 needs 2b blamed its me... smhw feel its d funda of attachmnt n detachmnt dat gets my head go round n round at tyms... not many dat am attchd 2.... its not easy 4me 2gt atchd eithr.. but detachmnt is smthin dat mks it all ugly.. n if 1 cannot get detachd 4m his attchmnts den its hell waitin 4u ...

evry1 has der weak points n low in life.. probably i went thru 1f d lows f my life in d past week... now dey say no1 is perfct..well hence proved am not evn near 2 bein perfct 4 sure.. only thing i myt b perfect at wud b imperfection... but den again aint dat bad eithr.. have seen worse souls arnd.. but wen v r no gud ourself v dnt hv d rite 2 point fingers at othrs.. do v?? no v dnt..cos blame game is easy ...sit dwn n analyse stuff n it all comes dnw 2 bein ur own fault... atlst d case wid me dis tym ... goin thru such lot 4 no rhyme or reason i ended up realising jst 1 thing.... its nvr ne1 elses fault... no1 can mk ur life miserable but u urself.... if ne1 is 2b blamed 4 ur plight its u again... in d weak moments d decisions dat v tk thinkin v r strong enuf r d worst f decisions n dey only mk us realise how weak v r.. n pretending 2b all strong n unmoved by all arnd v only blow away d few who actually r d support dat v hv... but does all dis keep any meaning aftr u hv been a fool??.. spoil up things 4 ppl n den realising ur mistk wich all d tym u were aware of ,, does sayin sorry help?? very convinient word SORRY... but if v really mean it ... den y gv a chance 4 othrs 2 hear it 4m u ... cos d sorry state can nvr b gud.. n if v r in it den v r all total waste..

behve like jerks n end up disappointing ppl... der r levels in life dat ppl maintain n if v think evn 1 level below of our mental state den v r doomed bad... imagine bein messd up wid d stuff dat u alwaz detest .... dey say dont stoop dwn ur own level but in d weakest of moments u nvr knw were u end up... probably cursing urself by d end f it all 4 bein such a trash... but no1 is perfct n its only in tyms like des wen u need 2 sit dwn n recollect urself 2b able 2 hold ur head still high.. irrespectv of wot u hv been thru 4 no fault f ne1 but ur own.. not evn a fault but only random wierd irrelevnt thots ..... so goin thru all dis i cud only gt 1 thing outta it..(wid help f few frends) 2 much of thinkin can get u mentally disturbd... 2 survive in d world u gota b able 2 maintain ur own kool n if any distrbance is 2 hapn... it bttr not involve u... nothing is permannt n humans beins r weak... u can nvr hold on2 ne1 or nething... so no point wonderin ovr wot wen u mite lose it.. thinking ovr it n losin wot u hv at present rite now 4d momnt ... damn u spoil d present 4 thinking ovr d future ,, d othr way round.. wid past exprnce ,,limiting urself in d presnt,, again so not hapnin... now i hv alwaz been told by ppl dat am jst 2 cautious at tyms n in order 2 not hurt sm1 n mk sure nothin goes wrong.. hahaha..dat extra effort screws it all up... assumptions on baseless issues mk me tk steps wich jst dnt mk no sense... n d ppl arnd me... well dey only wonder wots trbling me... while am only tryin 2 mk sure nothin is trbls dem... d problem is .. if i get slightest d idea or hint dat sm1 arnd me is not vry comfrtablr ...b it any reason.. i tend 2 gt on d backfoot n b all cautious... n being so i get uncmfrtble myself.. so ne1 arnd feeling uncmfrtble..mkes me uncmfrtble... n dat mks d air arnd wierd... n funny seems d uncmfrtin issues r only baseless n non existant.. only dat ovrcautious attitude often mk me bein a total fool... tym n again i felt it is lyk dat.. but dint made sense 4 i ws pretty convncd of wot i do is rite.. but wen 1 n all hv d same opinion n say no1 can understnd d sudden chnge of behaviour.... i smhw felt probably alil dif appraoch in life wont hurt... cos its des vry ppl 4 whome i smtyms act diffrntly.. but dat dey find it wierd n dis seems wierd 2me.. 4 its all 2 mixd up... heads spinning again?? dnt wory gues am abt 2 get ovr now... so nehw... i guess i wrote wot i wanted 2... not many can mk sense of it ... n if u can den u mite b left wondering.. wotevr b d case... d gud thing is.. its d week gone by... as 4me.. wot all i typed here is only makin me smile looking at it.. have had d wierd issues screw me up enuf .. so no more its an issue... got my head all cleared up... in d process ended disappointed a few .. but feel dat disappointmnt gt dem thinkin 2 blog :P :P so hahaha... its all gud.. as 4 me yes evry1 goes thru der bad n weak phases.. i went thru mine... but now am gud again... it feels gud once again making fun f ppl :P :P.. getin 2 sport dos mean grins n finding humuor in almost abt evrything..( sm f u mite find dis wierd n read pyscho.. but haha ur free 2 think wot evr.. dnt care)

i still get 2 b wid my frnds..who hv been mature enuf n tolerated me evn in my worse of moods.. hats off 2 u guys... am pleasently surprised at how ppl can ovrlook n b all dignified.. hmm smthing i said b4 in d blog 2 dint i ??? :P :P.. d optimistc n living life d fullest is smthing i gota pik up 4m u guys... tho still i wud prefer goin on 2 mk fun f ppl.. 4 like i said no1 but ourselves n responslbe 4 our plights,.. no1 can mk fun f us unless v allow it 2 hapn ourselves... now jst 2 mk sure i dnt get attacks 4m social workers ... i dnt mean 2 disrescpect n rub ne1 of der dignity while makin fun f dem... no no not d case... but wen i comes 2 njoyin life 2d fullest.. i mite b alil mean in my own ways..... so d week gone by is past 4 me... present is all gud.. n dnt care abt d future..i'v 4goten all my stupidity... few frnds hv been mature enuf 2 let go n 4gt it 2.. alil request 2 othr few 2 4gt it n not talk abt it n keep d air heavy still.. i behvd like a total moron.. not neccsary 4u 2 behve like 1 :P :P... u alrdy gt ur point across n i understood no matter wot "widout GOPALJI koi VIKAS ni hoga" :P :P.... n othr way round "VIKAS ke liye GOPALJI zaruri hai"... hahahahhahahhaha ... lol well dis wud not mk sense 2 few... but i 1s who can understnd d lines wud defin8ly knw wot am sayin :P :P.... its has alwaz been like dat since centuaries... n will remain like dat 4 tyms 2 come....

am glad 4 i feel i wud have had done alot of gud karmas in my past lives ..:P:P 4 in dis life i can find company f d few elite n dignified ppl who r way beyond d normal human dimensions... havin such souls as frnds is a blessing n if i cud b evn slightly like dem.. my life wud b way neat n millions f notches up 4m wot i hv... but hi not complaining... wot all is hapnin 4me is still 2 gud 4me.. n dey r d uplifted souls.. i need 2 work my way 2 match der levels... till den am glad bein stuck in dis mean bad world... 4 evn tho d world mite d evil infested .. i hv my angels arnd me 2 tk gud care f me :P :P... wid guardians like des... my life is gud... so gota cherish wot all i hv in present n not b bothrd of wot mite hapn in future wen dey wont b arnd... y think so, i say.... dey say all gud things come 2 an end.. so do all bad things.. 2 side f d coins.. y flip it n get dat 100% of d 50 %.. i say rathr roll d coin along n let d gud n bad roll along wid u... its lot eaiser 2 let d coin roll n let it dcyd 4 itself wot side its goin 2b 4us den flipping it n d thots d getin bad 1 trbling u al thru.... now i read dis msg smwhr n loved it.. cudnt b bttr timing 4me 2 come across dis... evn used it as a status msg on facebook.. n here m ending my post wid it cant say hope u guys had fun readin it.. but alls well dat ends well .. quotes mk it so much easier it say stuff :P:P....

P.S. (using it 4d 1st tym in my post :P :P)thot aftr all des awrds n tags my next post wud b smthin wer i wud talk abt d tags n awrds,, but den dis post came up.. but no worries i'll probably get dat 1 here soon... cos wid tags n awrds smwhr it seems blogger has become tagger .. not dat am criticizing dat... but den again wid d amt f tags smwhr it kills d spirit of blogs .. 4 tags get u write certain formulated stuf.. n wot all i mean by dat wud get 2it later... till den i leave u wid dis

"Doubt holds you landlocked in paralysis unable to move either way. The time you spent doubting is the time you are not So, rid yourself of the doubt, take that step one way or another, your heart knows what is best, but take it right now"


Happybirdie said...

So this one's a post after so many awards and tags :)
Must say very Well written...ya many a times v say wdout thinking and people feel bad,so v must think before speaking but this is also true that the people who know u ,will understand u....So be urself ,say what u want but do think once before speaking
Take care :)

Suga said...

ohhh my goodness .... wat improvement.... good goin chap ... very well written ... n i like the way u strted the post ... abt the doubtin and ppl n frnds judging us n all this be yourself stufff .... ummm ... may be u shud consult Anita Aunty :P .... jokes apart .. u r jus thnkin a lot ... let teh thngs be... :)
cheers !!!

Parul said...

A good post to break the monotony of tags ;)(not criticizing the tags but still, as u mentioned in your post just kills the spirit of blogging). Glad that you have it all cleared up now, rest it was essential for you to write it all out! Dont let frivolous things jam your head, as there is another aspect of life waiting for you ;)

monica said...

My God!! You too think way too much!
I don't know where to begin from.Your brain was fucked up, nothing new in that. It happens with all so no worries and it's not that your friends tolerated you.What i think is, they gave you, your space and time.Things like these need time and moments later you yourself realize the futility of your thoughts.

You have used the word 'jerk' a number of times.I beg to differ on that. How can you call yourself one when it's you who's finding faults with others.I mean they were jerks then and not you isn't it! :P By the way, what does the word mean? Throw some light there please!

You were irritated at cultured and dignified people, do i have the liberty to ask who are these souls? OK! I have that liberty...kaun hain woh?

Apart from all that, there's lots of real time GYan in your post. "if ne1 is 2b blamed 4 ur plight its u again", very right.

As for attaining levels in life, all I'll say is TIME and COMPANY are the only pillars to attain great heights.And dignity and stuff, be who you are, you need not change yourself for the sake of others. We like you the you are as a person and not what you want to be.Though the positive change is always welcome but with time it'll imbibe itself in there.So no need to put in extra efforts and ruin yourself.

"VIKAS ke liye GOPALJI zaruri hai"...amazing line!

I'll come back to read your post when I'll be say in not very good spirits next time.I am sure it shall counsel me back :)

monica said...

I am gonna say this again..pleaaseeee quit writing in SMS language. I have a hard time in making out the words. I can't do without reading your posts, there's something about them but it's tough.

I know it's hard for you to make this change, but do give this a thought next time you sit down to type.

sobhit said...

@ monica
"A person with unlikable or obnoxious qualities and behavior, typically mean, self-centered or disagreeable, and often not very intelligent" a slang dat how wikipedia defines jerk :P :P
der r othr meanings n ideas of d word wich i rathr not use 4 dey r irrelevent in dis case.. only dis defnation cud b f ne use .. so der u go dats wot it means :P

coming 2d culturd n dignified ppl.. well yes u hv all d liberty in d world 2 ask dat.. now i'v nevr met or gt 2knw ne1 more cultrd n dignified dan u.. probably d hehehe hahahaha alwaz tgt d bttr f me wen wid arnd frnds n nvr really got 2 appreciate qualities like des ... besyds as 4 bein irritated or annoyd .. wel guess alrdy enuf said.. b it in my 9tag post or personally .. so on my part all clear now.. like u said no1 needs 2 chnge demslves 4 othrs.. fair enuf... only at tyms v do need 2 act as per othr persons comfrt.. smthing dat tks tym 4me 2 understnd.. d gud thing 4me... its all well now..
VIKAS n GOPALJI :P :P.. well inseperable arnt dey ... :P..

as 4 attaining greater hgts in life.. well no extra effort in dat or nething else 4m me.. wen d tym is ryt will get whr i hv2.. til den only god knws wot in store ahd

now if d post can counsel u wen not in so gr8 spirits den i'll tk dat as a big complimnt :D.. cos i thot ppl readin it wud rathr get alil heavy aftr getin ovr wid it n find it alil depressing.. hmmm ,probably thot alot ovr it :P :P... n 4d sms lingo... hmm dunno nor can say nethin.. tk it dis way u said u cant do widout reading dem tho its raelly tof 2 get thru dem.. wot if d sms lingo is d reason dat 2 gota read it :P :P.. jokes apart will try n reduce it n lets c mayb can become sm wot elegant n classy atleast at blogging if not nething else :P :P...

sobhit said...

@ parul
yes its al gud n ovr 4me now.. so it 4 u guys so 3 CHEERS!!! :P
dunno hw imp ws bloggin it all down.. but d get d frame of mind ryt again ws sure imp... tuk alot f tym but gud now so :D... n hi u said anth aspect f life waiting ???? wot is it am curious :P :P

monica said...

Okk that was me! Hmm...I'll take that as a compliment, thank you!
And all that irritated you!LOLzz Interesting!

Parul said...

hmm.. By the other aspect I meant, things that dont need that much of thought you usually put in. Try finding good in life's little pleasures. I'll again mention here DO NOT think too much, about things that are better left ignored. Rest you are smart yourself :)

Roshmi Sinha said...

A good read. Yes, its not just 'think before you leap' but also... 'think before you speak'... !!!

But then, we all got to or rather learn to ignore certain things and get on with our lives... and count our blessings...

P.S. Shubho Bijoya!

swats.... said...

loooooooonggg one indeed...almost sounded like - autobiography!

Puneet said...

HEAVY stuff man. Half way down the post felt like I was missing a glass of whiskey considerin the philosophical tones you took. And guess what.. about 10 minutes later I was'nt missin the glass anymore... coz i was holdin one. Your posts might be eye openers for a few, and might force a few into introspection and all that jazz... but it makes me wanna drink..!! I love anything that does that mate. Cheers :)

p.s: I almost took down half a bottle considerin your super long post. Cut it short man, don't you love my liver??